I have recently spent an extraordinary 5 days learning about birth and the time before and after birth. There was much reflection to be done.
It was during one of these momentary reflections that I started to think about the presence of Fear (yes with a capital F) as a theme throughout significant events in my own life and within society as a whole. Initially my thoughts centred on the entirely female province of birthing babies – Fear of the birth process, of being a crap parent, Fear of pain. Fear that something will go wrong. Fear shared by mothers and medics alike. As I thought about it more, it applies much more widely and has the potential to put us on a path, that, while it might keep us safe, doesn’t necessarily keep us happy.
When I had my first baby, I was afraid of being a single parent (there wasn’t much positive said about single parents at the time), I was afraid that by falling pregnant I had let my parents down I was afraid of letting society down. I booked an abortion. I felt that this is what was expected of me, I was afraid to do something perceived as different. I was afraid of how I would feel after, I was afraid that my parents would find out and that I was letting them down. As it happened my parents actually responded with nothing but Love, unconditional Love so I cancelled the abortion. Later, as so many first time mothers are, I was afraid of labour, of pain. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was booked in for an induction – to this day I’m not sure why, but I know that my health carers were afraid of something, a suggested complication, otherwise there was no apparent need. I was afraid to question their decision and so Fear accompanied me in to the labour room, where intervention followed intervention as is the way with these things. However at the end a beautiful, incredible baby boy was born, and as I gazed in to his eyes, [1] the Fear went away, and I was powerful. The love of my parents gave me the strength to have my baby, the love of my baby gave me the power to raise him on my own.
Then there are the ubiquitous body image fears. Fear that you are too fat/thin/tall/short – whatever – fear pedalled by faceless marketeers selling you products you don’t really need. It’s not sex that sells. It’s Fear. Fear sells products, papers, and magazines. Fear keeps politicians in business. Fear that eats up so much energy and time, while you’re trying to not eat anything at all. Diets don’t work and among the people you meet, hardly anyone really cares, mostly being too wrapped up in their own fears to notice anything about you. In the last few years I have consciously changed the way I think about myself. I stepped off the wage earning treadmill, and have had time to understand who I am. I have stopped dieting, dying my hair, and giving a shit. I have time and space to do the things and if it comes to it to change the world. Who knows?
But Fear is a necessity isn’t it? It protects us from Danger. Yes the response to real and present Danger is undoubtedly, life extending and a survival trait, but I think that Fear in the sense I have been contemplating, is a response to what we think might be dangerous, not what actually is threatening us at the moment. Wrinkles do not threaten our very existence. Stretch marks have never had any effect on anyone ever, yet we are afraid to wear a bikini for fear of other people seeing them? Fear of the mundane is a choice. Fear of what might happen, Fear of what someone might be saying, Fear of a person’s difference, because their skin is a different colour, because they worship a different way, because they have sex differently to you and so on. How different would your life be? How different would society be, if we ditched the fear and approached all but actual real dangerous events with Love and Acceptance?
My son, while he was a Photography student in London stopped one evening to talk to a homeless person and asked him if he could take his picture. They were in a dark and secluded underpass, he could have been afraid. Instead he made a connection, sat down next to the man, and listened to him. He stayed and chatted and shared his cigarettes with him. The photograph he took speaks a thousand words.
In the last few weeks, I noticed that I was afraid of walking in to a Motorway Service Station, at night on my own. I carried a fear of being attacked or something. I deliberately put that fear down, and as a result a very lovely and totally unthreatening Scottish man struck up a conversation with me about the recent referendum. Maybe I was standing a little taller, looking a little more confident. Whatever, he was funny and I was not alone.
My husband’s mother died recently, she was ready. She had been unwell and it was clear that the end was in sight, her family talked to her and to each other about her wishes, her pathway was decided and as she walked it she was accompanied at every stage by her family pouring out their love and dignity. At the very end, my husband was with her, holding her hand. There was no fear, she left us peacefully and with love. The home where she was living supported that pathway unconditionally. It was, in my view, a beautiful death, characterised as it was by love, not Fear.
That thing “they” say: “Do one thing every day that scares you” “They” are right but I don’t think you have to necessarily do the thing. Take it and choose not to be afraid of it any more. Then when you’ve done that, face the thing with Love and Acceptance. Believe in what you are capable of.
And now I am afraid that this post is not adequately expressing what I am trying to say, I have edited and tinkered and re-written. I’m not sure I can make it any better. I will choose not to be afraid and will post it anyway.
Love and Blessings to you all
Xx
PS – I’m not the first person to think this obviously….
“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
-Paulo Coelho
[1] This is actually actual science – but probably the subject of another post in the future.